That one “what if” that stuck in your head

I’ve had so many unfortunate moments in my life. There were times when I regretted being too naive and had to face the consequences, when I realized how many fake friends surrounded me, when I experienced my very first-second-and more betrayal, when I found myself in the wrong relationship, or when I crossed the line and had to deal with a disaster I thought I could never solve. But all these moments are no longer occupy much space in my mind or heart.

Of course, I’m not a superwoman. I have my own traumas and painful moments too – but when they’re over, they’re over. I never look back. When I remember those moments, they’re nothing but memories. I can say I’m a very present person. I don’t dwell on the past or wonder about the future. Mostly, I focus on what matters in my current life. Maybe it’s the personality of an INFJ, or isn’t it? Lol.

But there is one “what if” that has haunted me for decades. The one “what if” that fills me with regret and wonder. The only “what if” that can make me cry amidst the thought of it.

“What if Mama were still alive?”

Photo by Sanni Sahil on Unsplash

What if Mama were still around? Would she still be as huggable as she was? Would she still caress my hair while tell me stories to wake me up? Would I still hear her crunchy laughter from time to time? Would she still sit in the yard with me, letting me nap in her lap? Would I still welcome her from work in front of the house every day, like until my twenties maybe? Would I still hear sound of her cooking at dawn every day? Would she still watching TV together with me? Would I still shopping with her until I feel sooo tired? Would I still sleep with her sometimes, hating it when she expose her armpits but still snuggling up to her anyway? Would she be getting older now like Papa? Would Papa be happier than ever now?

I’m crying again. I have a long ass draft listing all the moments I remember about her. It was initially for her birthday last year, but in the end, I didn’t bother to post it.

She passed away due to cancer when I was 10, and now I am 30. More than half of my life has gone by without her. But this “what if” comes to me from time to time.

• When I first got my period. “If she were here, she definitely would have been the first person I talked to about it.”
• When I first got into trouble at school. “Would she getting angry with me?” Because Papa wasn’t and even comforted me, lol.
• When I first had a crush. “Could I have talked to her about it?”
• When I was an annoying teenager. “Would I have had those “I hate Mama” moments too?”
• When I first moved out from home to study. “Maybe this would never have been an option if she were here, because I wouldn’t want to leave her side.”
• When I bought my makeup. “Would I still enjoy watching her apply her lipstick like I used to? Would I share my makeup and skincare routine with her too?”
• When I had my identity crisis. “Would she have understood?”
• When I messed up. “Maybe if she were here, I would never have crossed the line.”
• When I old enough to quarrel with Papa. “Would I argued and quarrel with her too?”
• When I see my aunts traveling together all the time. “I bet she would join them if she were here. They’d be like us sisters – joking around all the time.” Ah, now I remember her crunchy laughter again.
• When I got married. “Would she have cried a river like my aunts did? What would she think or say about my husband? Maybe she would have favored him – or even taken his side if we ever argued, lol huh.”
• For the past 20 years of my life, every time I see someone else’s mom. “How I’d be happier if she were here too.”
• And even now, when I have my own child, I still think about what if she were here. “Would I be that spoiled daughter who lets Grandma take care of her grandson so she can relax all day? It would have been so cute to see Mama play with her grandson. I can imagine watching Papa and Mama play together with him; that would have been a scene of pure joy.”

And many many many many other “what if” thoughts about her crossed my mind as it is become a habitual.

And then, there’s that one “what if” whose pain I could never erase from my heart. The one that bring me into a deep regret and guilt –

She was so sick at that time. She had to go in and out of the hospital for years. The size of the needle that went into her vein was as big as a pen tip, and she was no longer the chubby mom I used to hug. Every day, I prayed “God, please, keep her alive no matter what it takes,”. Until one day, I stopped and asked God to just “Please, please, lift her pain as soon as possible no matter what it takes”. I could no longer bear seeing her in such pain. How selfish.

What if I had kept insisting on my original prayer? Would she still be here then? Would I be living in a parallel world where she still exists? Maybe she would be healthy and happy? Was this all my faults?

And it’s killing me that none of these “what if” can actually come true.

God. This is so messed up. I miss you so much, Mama.